It started with Sylvester. Oh no.. maybe even way before that. But Sylvester made it popular again.


Yes.. it's the Ah Beng Generation! HAIL AH BENGS! *winks*


Ahem I don't particularly have this taste for bengs. Yeah really. YES BELIEVE ME! Ok fine.. I mean.. I like guys in general. So yeah. That may include those bengs. MAY only.


But right.. walau I got these frens.. they very anti-bengs lor. They will go scan thru my friendster for bengs and then condemn this condemn that... walau... eh not my fault that I'm in an Ah Beng Uni can? I can't possibly tell people, "Hey man.. wassup.. u look kinda like a beng.. erm.. can we not be fwenz?" Liddat not nice mah. And com'on.. dunch pray pray wor... these people.. AH BENGS LEH! Later they bring all their Ah Seng and Ah Hway fwens to hoot me how?!


Ok but I can't liddat. I cannot ostracise them. Cos they are oso humans. We practise racial harmony and religious freedom. So we oso cannot ostracise ah bengs. Yes? Ok HAIL AH BENGS! EMBRACE THEM!


But wait a minute wait a minute... u wanna embrace ah bengs rite... yes? U gotta first identify an ah beng! How to identify!?


Ok KS, being a nice ger stuck in an Ah Beng Uni, shall give u all this bible:


The Idiot's Guide to Identifying an Ah Beng!

1. Hair color! Ah bengs rite... always have these colored hair. Blonde la, ash la, brown la.... yeah. Always. By default. Dunch believe ask Jing and JX. And Tie. The first thing they see about the Beng is the hair.

"WALAU got COLORED HAIR!"

No need say anymore.. confirm beng! You see that Sylvester.. last time oso he had that light blonde ang moh colored hair for Singapore Idol. Rite?! Yes!


2. Floppy fringe! Usually accompanied by long hair (around shoulder length).

The Ah Beng breed in my school is kinda special. If u stay in my school halls, it should be a prettie common sight to see these ah bengs holding their floppy fringes back using hairbands (yes HAIRBANDS) as they watch TV in the TV lounge, or have their meals in the hall canteens, or study in the study room.

Oh actually guys wearing hairbands look really cool... *dreamy look*

Oh shit sorry.. COME BACK TO EARTH KS! Ahem.. sorry for digressing. Here's more!


3. The ULTIMATE is this... the official language of Beng-land... HOKKIEN!

I can still remember that scene.. when I first entered Ah Beng Uni.. In the library...

I heard these bengs discussing their tutorial in Hokkien!!!

WALAU at first I thot my uni came up with this new course teaching Hokkien! But then 少见多怪,多见不怪. Now my Hokkien skills are so polished I can even join in their tutorial discussion! Wah nang ai ah nee kuan zoh gah eh sai.. ah nee kuan gah dio. (We need to do this question this way.. liddat then correct).

Being able to converse in Hokkien is so cool *smilez* how about discussing all our tutorials in hokkien in future?? =D


4. Oh actually.. being able to converse in Hokkien is still not the ultimate. There was once... when I was still staying in Hall, I had this Hall outing. They call it 9 to 5.. so we hang out 9pm to 5am, doing all the 夜猫子 stuff. One of them being KTV. That was when I seriously start to 崇拜 these ah bengs.

Ever heard Tan Lui sing? Geen ah eh hong jin tow... tow kay eh been chao chao.

That one.. is chicken feed.

WALAU wait till u hear these ah bengs sing in hokkien.. Tan Lui will go to the toilet to cry in shame!

Oh actually.. one of those hall people look a bit like 孙协志.. now come to think of it. 孙协志 used to sing in Hokkien rite? I think ah.. he 偷偷 come NTU to study u noe.. now staying in hall!


5. Oh then oso.. one place Bengs hang out most frequently.. those POOL outlets!

Wah over there u can find all sorts of bengs u wan!

Got golden hair beng la.. brown hair beng la... hokkien beng la... floppy fringe beng la... WALAU seriously ALL BENGS you wanna find.. u can find here!

I used to hate going to pool places in Sec Sch I rmr.. cos I used to hate bengs then. But I rmr got this fren of mine.. walau she long since that time alreadie embrace bengs u noe?! She always drag me go pool! WAH I hated it man!

But now.. I realise.. to pick up a beng, first place u go is to go play pool!!! =D


6. Another distinguishing feature about bengs.. Tattoos!

YES!

Those hostelites will noe. In sch u see these people.. look quite decent. Even studious.

Then, they go back to hall. WALAU Singapore weather very hot.. take off their shirt.

And VOILA!

Say hi to Mr Dragon! Yes.. Mr Dragon on his chest! Or maybe his arm! Or back! Or maybe, some prefer Mr Tiger! No no.. not that Winnie the Pooh kind.. that's Tigger. This one.. is the fierce fierce kind. Tells u... "I'm Beng. Dunch pray pray ok!" YES!


7. Bengs oso tend to love this bad habit.. smoking!

My sch has gotta boast one of the highest smoker concentrations in unis all over the world. No la.. erm.. maybe.. all over Asia.

You see these people with colored hair and floppy fringes holding a cig between their index and middle finger.. yes those are the bengs!

But rite.. smoking no good.

I got this fwen ah.. his name is Mr Brian. He used to smoke a lot leh! But rite.. one day, he found that he had a sore throat (or was it a cold? Cant rmr haha) and he found he had this lump at the side of his neck!

WAH he scared!

So he quit smoking.

And after a while, that lump went away.

Moral of the story??

Study bio, immunology and anatomy. Cos that lump is not a tumour, but a swollen lymph node. HAHAHAHA!

But of cos. It's most impt to quit smoking early if you can.


8. OH ya! Bengs rite.. walau I tell u.. they can really drink!

They drink Tiger Beer and Guinness and Heineken when they 手头紧.

And sometimes when they 手头 not so 紧, they go club and get high they drink these drinks KS has never heard of or seen before!

WAH got fire in the drink! One long long trail of fire!! I think rite.. it's named after my favourite car. Flaming Lamborghini! Machiam those magicians performing.. yes.. rite. I think bengs love these stunts!


9. OH YES! One more things bengs love... PIERCINGS!

Cos you see.. bengs rite... they like to act like they very hero they very man.

So they will 敢敢 go pierce one hole in their ear, one hole in their tongue, one hole thru their eyebrows, one hole in their lips, one hole in their noses, one hole in their nipples, everywhere!

Cos they think like that, their ah lian girlfwens will think they very brave... and they can oso look very fierce!

Piercings still not fierce enough... I think now the latest ah beng trend is to get the snake tongue! Or loop ears!

Like, they slit their tongue thru the centre so their tongue looks like a snake's tongue (Y-shaped), and they keep enlarging their earholes until their earholes look like a basketball hoop! I think they call it ear plug. So cool rite?! Wah these ah bengs very brave hor!


10. There's oso this trait common in all ah bengs. They all love techno!!!!

You know.. I got this ah beng fren. One day, long ago, he chatted with me on MSN and he told me excitedly, "I got this nice song to intro u.. I send u, u go listen!" Then I agreed.. and stupidly went to listen.

WALAU the minute I clicked play.. I regretted.

TECHNO! Like those disco that kind! You know that one Sparks or something.. they like to play this kind of music!

Then I looked at the title of the song... I think is some Crazy Tadpole or Crazy Toad or Crazy something one.. Oh NO it's Crazy Frog! Ya I think so.

Then he told me, it was the soundtrack of dunno what cartoon movie... he said, "Walau why you never go watch!" Deep inside my heart, KS was telling herself "Wah biang! Lucky I never go watch!" PHEW!


11. Finally... one last tip on how to identify an ah beng... an unbuttoned shirt!

YES I tell u.. ah bengs ALL THINK their chest very sexy wor! Doesn't matter that they dunch have any chest hair. Doesnt matter too, that they dunch have any pecs. No worries! All that is important is for him to don this ah beng shirt and then unbutton it!

But rite.. also cannot unbutton all.

They very smart. They noe unbutton all will look like coolie.

So they unbutton until the last two or three buttons. Then they purposely let the shirt hang loose. Then when the wind blow, they will stick the cigar into their mouths and then 大摇大摆地 walk down Queensway Shopping Centre.

Oh did I mention Queensway Shopping Centre sells a lot of those cool and funky ah beng accessories? Those thick thick chains they hang on their necks, those thick thick chains they hang on their jeans or belts... yes those! OMG so cool!


So now.. follow the above 11 golden rules in identifying an ah beng and you can't go wrong. Print it out and bring it everywhere. Chant it in your sleep. Sing it in the shower. Read it out in the kitchen. It's the AH BENG GENERATION! ALL LOVE BENGS! =D