Went for my new tuition today. It's a sec 1 kid, and I'm tutoring him for English. Gosh... the English mid year papers.... they have questions asking the kid to identify adjectives, conjunctions, determiners etc in a sentence..................... my god..... *wipes sweat* thank god I was able to bluff my way through. And thank god my kid knew those grammatical stuff well. So there I was flipping through his mid year papers and trying to act clever telling my kid that I could go through his mistakes with him. Then I spotted the 'Identify the conjunctions in the following sentence' and the 'Draw a line linking the adverbs, adjectives, determiners etc to the words'. A drop of sweat trickles from my brow.
KS: Uh... so.. this is your school paper?

kid: Yes. Mid year. Not counted though.

KS: Has the teacher gone through your mistakes with you?

kid: No not yet. She will go through when school reopens.

KS: Uh err oh ok. Hmmm since that's the case I shall wait till the teacher has gone through the paper with you before going through it with you again.

kid: Ok

Sometimes its good to have a not so bright tuition kid. *wipes some more sweat*

Next we went on to vocab....... OMG.... are the vocab standards of kids these days really that bad?! Or was it just my kid?! Yeah sec sch kids these days.... trying to act funky using all those weird spelling like what I read in my brother's blog.... what "euu" and "miee".... euu euu euu euu some more lar! What "I lurve euuuuu" "euu love mieee" PUI! No wonder now all their spelling has gone haywire. Whose fault?! Act funky act some more lar! Bet all the English teachers are banging their heads against the walls from marking too much of all these corrupted compositions.

e.g Todae iz moi birthdae. It iz a happie dae! blah blah blah

Come on lar spare a thought for all those old cronies born before the year of 1980 can?! Ahem. Girls like me, born in 1985, I can still roughly catch the gist of what you young punks are trying to say... but spare a thought for those old aunties wearing thick glasses marking your exam scripts in the middle of the night by the candle light can?! Ok erm.. maybe now they have already upgraded to using the electric bulb but my point is... these old hags... ahem... I mean these old ladies will have absolutely no way of understanding the morse code you guys are writing your compos in! So there.... spent the whole 2 hours there trying to correct my poor disillusioned kid's terrible spelling. And of cos... the older they get, the more stubborn they are. For e.g
KS: Ok the way you should spell 'bureau' is b-u-r-e-a-u and not b-u-r-e-a-y. Ok?

kid: Ok but then it should be pronounced 'bureow' if you spell it b-u-r-e-a-u!

KS: No it is pronounced as 'buro'.

kid: But normally we pronounce it the way we spell it right? So it should be 'bureow'!

KS: No in this case no. It is not always the case.

kid: But..

KS: *hastily moves on to the next word*

SEE?! See what I mean!? You can tell them one thing and they can come up with 10000 reasons to counter what you just told them. But but BUT the thing is, they are SOOOO obviously wrong and they JUST had to annoy you by coming up with 10000 reasons by hook or by crook just to make life difficult for you! That 20 bucks per hour is really hard-earned money... sobz.

Talking about the money... brings me to the next point. Parents these days.... they want the best for their kids, YET they are just soooo unwilling to part with their money. No money, how to get the best?! They haggle with the tutors so much... I'm starting to feel like a fishmonger at the market. Like this parent I called the other day cos she emailed me asking if I could take her daughter for tuition.

KS: So you want me to take your daughter for maths.

Parent: Yes. Her maths is really weak. This mid term she almost failed! I understand you came from RGS and Hwachong. I hope you will be able to help her. She is really weak in her maths.

KS: Ok so which part of Singapore do you live in?

Parent: Oh I live in Boon Keng. You know Boon Keng mrt station? It's near there.

KS: Oh I see. That might be a problem cos I'm only looking for students who live near my area.

Parent: Which is the nearest mrt station to your place?

KS: Somerset.

Parent: Then it's very near! Ok you take the mrt from Somerset, then you go to Dhoby Ghaut and you change to the NEL and you can get to Boon Keng station from there. From the station, you only need to take a bus and you can reach my place easily.

KS thinks to herself: Walau... you think I need you to teach me how to take mrt??? Of cos I know where Boon Keng is!! After reaching Boon Keng I still have to take a bus... and you can still tell me it's not far!
But of cos, being a nice and sweet and well-mannered girl, KS replies courteously: Ok so do you mind if I ask how much you are offering?

Parent: Actually now we have another tutor but she can't teach my daughter that often. So we are looking for another one.

Ahh I saw it coming. Starting to haggle already.

KS: Oh is it?

Parent: Yar and she charges us about S$160 per month for 2 hours each time, 2 times a week. And she comes down to teach from Ang Mo Kio which is very far. So we give her more to cover her transport. And she teaches 4 subjects while you will only teach one. So...

KS: Hmm. Well, I am currently teaching this P2 boy, he lives just a few floors down from me, and I teach him just one subject, one and a half hours each time and 2 times a week. And he gives me S$140 a month. Your daughter is of a higher level than him, and you live much further away... so I'm not sure what price you would like to quote, but I feel S$160 is not enough cos I need to cover my transport costs too. On top of that, after my school term starts, I might have to travel from Boon Lay to your place, which is very far.
*very much wants to hang up the phone now*

Parent: No I'm afraid not. The other tutor lives so much further from us than you, and she is only charging us S$160.
KS thinks to herself: What?! She lives very far and I live very close meh?! In any case she's most probably regretting now and wants to make you increase her fees that's why she tells you she doesn't want to teach anymore. And here you are thinking you can just cast her off and rip-off a new tutor with a disgustingly miserable rate.

KS: Ok well, I think you consider my offer, and then you can always give me a call if you change your mind. Thanks!
KS hangs up the phone.

Anyway, here are a few tips for you people in future negotiations!
First thing you must take note of in a negotiation to get the upperhand is to ALWAYS make the parent more desperate than yourself. In Mandarin, we call it "diao4 qi3 lai2 mai4"! For my case, and for the many of my ex-classmates reading this, we already have a trump card... which we should always use shamelessly. Flash it in front of the parents the very second the negotiations start! Always ALWAYS tell them your schools... the top schools you attended! Be it RGS, RVHS, St Nics, TCHS, NYGH, HCJC, RJC.... yeah you get the point. EVERYTHING! Flash ALL your trump cards! Ok I seldom tell people my secondary school and JC.. much less brag about them. But this is one exception where you should just heck all and bring on all the elite school shit! Then all the parents will just go WOW and fight tooth and nail to let you tutor their kid. YEAH I'M SERIOUS! So now you get the upper hand! Easily! No sweat!

So what do you do next? Bring on all your previous tuition history! It's ok if it's non-existent... FABRICATE! Of cos! Hey you don't get a cert or what after giving tuition right? So how's the parent to know that you have never ever taught before? What the heck.. just fabricate! Give them a colorful history of the kids you have taught.. and of cos, if they ever ask you why you stopped teaching, give the standard answer: The kid has graduated with flying colors!

What's next?! The parents will ask you for your rate. And of cos, from your non-existent tuition kid, you can now fabricate some non-existent-and-very-exhorbitant rates! Of cos, if they go "HUH? So ex?" always ALWAYS keep in mind, you have trump cards! Parents are FALLING over themselves trying to get you to tutor their kids! So even if one finds your rates too high, there're always others who don't mind! Trust me! That's the way to go!!

Lastly...... of cos you have to take note of the timing! Which are the best timings to strike all those hapless parents?! Of cos it would be either the June holidays or the December holidays! All those poor parents will be reeling in shock from their kids' terrible exam results and they will be frantically calling all tuition agencies and searching everywhere for the perfect tuition teacher to brush up their kids' work!

So there.... those are all the important things you have to keep in mind when looking for tuition jobs. KS has imparted all her skills to you all... if you still get conned, don't ever tell people you know me ok...